the understanding

mebbe

it was

the pollen

a hangover

no money

headache

from no food

love or sex

or just

my dirty ass

wearing thin

shoes jeans

shirt underwear

reminding me

I was

a low-down bum

with

no hopes dreams

nowhere to go

which gave me

the understanding

from today

everywhere

had to be

up

took me the whole way

took me the whole way

had what I thought was love

happy to be with you

trying out new ways

things to do

& you took me the whole way

further than anyone

ever

before

pillow talking hopes wishes dreams

the secret fantasies

I’d kept deep inside

I could be without embarrassment

no shame

& you took that faith for weakness

care love kindness for granted

so I had to let you go

& you thought to punish

to tell the world what was so

aah! the secrets out of the box

there was you thinking

it was me had the badness

the world needed to know

when it was you all along

they love the gossip

but no one loves the tattle tale

return

too many times

every time I’d get

to sit out in the sun

look around new town

new country

feel welcomed

sigh & think

I could live here

feel better

than my old grey town

embittered country

of lost hopes empires

dreams

knowing

I’d be counting the days

until

I had to return there

I wanted in

like all kids looking on to the adult world

I wanted in

free to drink smoke

do whatever the fuck I wanted

with who how what when anytime

but it wasn’t like that

oh no

many of the adults were still kids

needing permissions

scared of their own shadows

frightened of the man in blue

the priest in black

the myriads of followers those who could not

dare not make a decision

for fear of offending not knowing

nobody cares in the end

or now

people are a disappointment

was a hard thing to discover

not just to me but themselves

the child they were with dreams

what they were going to do when they grew up

days of wander

thumb in the wind

hitching 200 miles

go see if the ‘rents were in

could handle my face

hard rides of wandering hands

offers to suck my cock

pay to see it please

occasionally women

wanting to feed

take me home mother me

endless moments of

here will be fine drop offs

middle of nowhere

where even the horses stare

walking walking

in the rain the snow

sunshine days not caring

stopping to write thoughts ideas

slip slide the mask of bum

be the writer poet troubadour

until the world turned again

finding them not home

or no welcome today

walk out of there

begin the return journey

no shelter no love no feed

no recognition of journeys made

wishes hopes dreams left there

my only salvation the road

the barroom

I knew

the barroom

long before I got there

the taunts whispers

from ne’er do wells

who would wish you

ne’er do well too

in case that would

show them in a true light

the sneers

pulling down of hopes

wishes dreams

to keep you on a par

the falsity of smiles

claps on backs

two faces to the fore

veneer encouragement

glad handing back slapping

more in the hope

of brief entertainment

than care

for these were the people

who raised me

creation

a wanting thing

pretty is as pretty does

where I projected upon

wanting her to be a good

whole decent human being

& being beautiful

she had never worked

at any of that stuff

never had the need

but I had yet to know this

putting my wishes hopes

fantasies dreams

into her dead place soul

but first I thought her love

being a slow child in feels

I built her & me up

wanting this to be more

than a one way street

worse of all I found myself

waking up bringing my hurt

in a sad sack all of my own

creation

drinkin’ in LA

hiding out from the hotel

the lesbians going at it

knives curses fists

& worse

the make up love after

talking with Silicon Valley nerds

& when they hear

you’re from out of town

the finer points of baseball

cost of living in the city

smog masks v hero death

stink of piss in the air

panhandlers not really trying

avoiding the personality test

blind eye to turnstile jumpers

cheap gold Mexican jewellery

& later when they feel

they got to know you

death & rebirth

of their dream

dreams of ex-girlfriends

I dreamt last night

of my old now dead friend

everything was fine she said

she had lost weight

looked the best

I’d seen her in years

& over nuclear fuel deals

all done with the proper safety protocols

we looked over the harbor

out to sea

I can see so much farther now

she said, considering

I see they’ve closed the milk factory

& the power station has gone

& too soon the dream ended

but it was good to know

she was making money

from safe investments

she had never had