even less

an ex told me once

in the heat of battle

you are just….just

indifferent…

meaning she felt

I didn’t care either way

to what who how she was

tho’ I felt this was more

refusing to get drawn in

be just another cracked actor

in her endless drama

& another in conversation

‘he was trying to get one over

on me’

& I had no idea what that meant

so I asked was it

she was thinking the world

its neighbour & me

were working to put her

in the shade?

& I tried to put her right

I have no wish desire

to be anything

want anything from you

what you see is what you get

straightforward

& that upset her more

you’re saying I have nothing

to give?

& that I understood

even less

she comes she comes

she comes toward me

smoking a cigarette

& I smell immediately

a strong mix of smoke & perfume

she stops as she sees me

its you! its you!

as she moves in for an embrace

like the last time never happened

as if we left as friends

she nuzzles in

you still smell the same

polite as ever I say as do you

she lets go & says

fatter tho!

your new woman must be feeding you well

like she doesn’t know

I have no new woman

I still have the one

after her

she starts coughing at her joke

& I can hear her lungs creaking

soggy & sodden

her dry larynx & tongue clacking

still on 40 a day

& you gave up for her didn’t you?

she has more questions now

that i have no desire to answer

I sidestep

I must go must go

& she tries to come with

you meeting her for lunch?

no I go I just gotta go y’know?

as her face falls

knowing I do not want her

to follow

using guilt

don’t get it I said

she keeps trying

making up some guilt

man she laughed

wanted to punch me on the arm

you don’t get it do you?

she knows you don’t want her

don’t fancy her in any way

first she’ll think you must be gay

then will try her box of tricks

see which ones work

get you to see how things are

for her to be number one

the boss of you

Eno

a place in the wilderness

from Angels in the architecture

I used to play this

when she came around

I can picture it now

sitting just there

long white flowing dress

red to be kissed lips

& my desire rising

it was never would we?

it was always when

either now or later

after her litany of woe was over

she would take her drink

place it safely by the bedside

lie back open her legs wide

& sigh

waving me in

waiting for the ravage to begin

not unwilling

more preferring the energy to be mine

& now I find this hard to hear

if sadness like entropy

is only an issue

in a closed system

then we know

one day the air will clear

strange desire

usually

I am careful with myself

but today

found myself caught

by a pair of beautiful blue eyes

sweet open smile

desire

it has been a while

since I felt this

coursing through my veins

tickling there in my groin

wanting something from

the strangeness of another

pulling in feelings

out of the air

& I’ll be sure

to ensure

I don’t pass this way

again soon

she got me

she got me she said

understood my wandering soul

or was it affections

gave plenty of pens

good solid paper

left me to draw my own

conclusions

& I wanted her there

beside me as my friend

though she wanted more

that bit she didn’t get

though she said she understood

how hard it was to get out of bed

only to do more of the same

each & every day

nobody there

to provide solace in my evenings

she was prepared to do that

if I was interested in offering the other

& how to create a desire

where none exists?

& worse sustain that over time

of course she hates me now

says all I did was take take take

in the name of artistic freedom