lyme disease

all of us

not one left behind

we said felt in our bones

are going to live for eternity

nothing in our way

until the days came

I crawled from bed to bathroom

leaning against the wall

to piss to shit

to stop from falling down

days that had no beginnings

no ends just the same

& if you were to ask me

just who I thought I was

I needed time to consider

dredge through the sludge

work up an answer might fit

for both you & me

weeks going to months

waiting for the fog to clear

a path through the dust

& I could begin to tell you

just what I’d been who I was

but if you looked at the wreck

leaning there before you

you’d need to take all of that

on trust

another way

I’d drive them out of the city

sensation seeking students

& sometimes aspiring ne’er do wells

who the city wanted put straight

driving out to nature

where I’d walk them down a trail

to a full green valley bowl

scatter them off to disperse

find a spot by themselves

just sit for a while

four hours maybe five

until they heard the come here whistle

& some would come back too soon

unable to be alone

to be set back off again go complete

& at the end of the exercise

some would complain

of the tedium boredom isolation

the long dragging day

others would say felt like minutes

& the long drive home

was full of silence as the experience

of no phones no tv no people

just sitting by themselves

settled into their bones

now they knew

there was another way

poor choices made

tip toe

caught in her fly paper

she wanted me to go

& I did not yet

want to leave

intuition feeling in my bones

someone else was gonna show

as her eyebrows got higher

voice shifted from low

& sure enough

just as I turned the corner

in he came

it’s a sick feeling

to be right in these ways

churning the gut

head spinning to know

all of this for nothing

more poor choices made

care poured onto barren ground

Running girls

when she came to me

I took her in as she was

as a place to rest

place to slow

she was nervous

& I came I to know

that was how you were

a running girl

& the worst always is

watching another grow

is to understand

feel in the bones

know

one day

the time will come

for the running girl

to go

they want what you have

but

they don’t want

you

don’t bleed out but just a little

they tried to break me

any way they could

I was no different from any other kid

though they told me other

just to break my will

all I wanted was a family

like they got on the Tv

sitting around eating cereal being home

but I got the other kind

the ones to break my bones

school was just another place

where they messed around some of us

the ones that don’t have carers

without love or a pretty face

but I refused to bend

make it easy for them

sure they call you a rebel

but who wants that shit they’re selling

end up as them treading the same place

& know full there is love out there

you do get to make your choices

can forget those want to break you

drown out the hateful noise

& all you need ever do

is bleed a little not bleed out

badges of honour

as young’uns

scars are exciting

badges of honour

disclaimers of doing

adventure medals

to talk on when risk is done

then we see the old’uns

with knobbly hands

straining to open a jar of pickles

& we oblige

we listened when they told

of their escapades

the wars fought lost & won

though they shy

of sharing the pains

caused from their youthful forays

arthritis coldening in summer sun

biting flaring into cracked bones

when winter comes

& catch their heads shaking

was it worth it for this?