this self loathing

this self loathing

low as a snake belly in the dust

the things lovers say in the night

jilted staring into the abyss

take me back & I will

do anything you ask me to

crawling lower than any animal can

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear never argue

will do anything you ask me to

accept your lovers the drinking

fighting the drugs stealing my cash

put up with the whole weary way

the mess you bring into my life

broken windows holes in the walls

dead cars abandoned in crashes

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear by this night

to do anything you ask me to

just please don’t leave me alone

coming home to you

I found all these places

had experiences

only you were not there

& I could tell you

all about them

but why should you care

just words from a weary traveller

tales of wonder woe

places you & I could go

I was tired of living in hotels

meeting working with strangers

eating drinking sleeping alone

coming home to you

who never knew

how much time I’d been away

there on my own

thinking of you

haunted by high yellow

I was unwell lying in a hospital bed

not even sure who I was

almost defeated by disease

but I’d force myself up out

to go use the bathroom

in defiance of illness nurses

in the hallway I met high yellow

a beautiful girl all smiles

on the way to buy chocolate

did I want anything?

sure get me a newspaper eh?

& she brought one back sat for a while as I read

talking of her life & sadness being alone

& when she left to go to her bed

a nurse sidled over serious don’t get too close

that girl will be gone end of the week

the high yellow is her organs dying

she overdosed on pills to end her life

& all we can do now is make the end

painless as we can help her slide on by

I saw high yellow one more time

had people visiting well wishing & I smiled

as she asked if I needed anything?

its ok honey I said I’m fine

but I never would be again

the thought of high yellow dying alone

& that I could do no more than witness

helpless as her in the end

edging on crazy

the man loved her

told her all the day

could not leave her alone

edging on crazy

talking about her

he had all of that going on

full time

driving by the house

checking parked cars

asking questions

on who she’d seen

who dropped by

& he called it love

she called it control

& all we could do

was hope he’d grow

snap out of it

before he killed

what he had

wanting to have it all

who?

had I become

shrouded in memories

haunted by the you’s

of sordid histories

chances taken

squandered

openings disregarded

wilfully missed

to sit here alone

in an old coat

pockets with holes

bare table but for a bottle

sipping on something

to make that last

knowing nothing

ever does

but the eternal of

why?

what?

when?

joined now by

whatever

same old war

she’d claim I didn’t love her

to make me the fool

always saying I do

I knew the act by rote

we’d been here before

the same old war

hey well hell

you never tell me

that you love me I’d say

well I do she’d go

but you never say you do

so I feel sad alone

waiting for you

to go first

& I’d laugh well hell

a gentleman always expects

the lady to come first

& she’d laugh a little slow

there you go

making our love lewd

while I was waiting

on you to go first

tell me you love me

& I knew this act by rote

we’d been here before

the same old war

the world over

knows the score

in the saltwater gained

promises made

written somewhere

on lost papers

in the saltwater gained

who I’d be

what I would do

how things

our lives would change

& now

they lie forgotten

just another set

of cold nights

lying alone

semi drunk prayers

drifting into dead air

for lost lovers

half-forgotten friends

sulky solemn things we say

& the promises made

driftwood & sand

on the currents of another life

our fading days

crowd

times I had a crowd

others

was just me

walking alone

& I enjoy both

though if I have to choose

I’ll take the solitary path

anytime

the crowd has needs

got to be fed

new information

fresh fads

gossip to go

& I never quite know

why they flock the way they do

saying one thing

doing another

saying yes & being no

setting themselves

others up to fail

the who else will be there?

thing of cliques claques

until they rift apart

& I’m walking alone

again

papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head

embellish the pages

apparently

it is possible to sell

this poesy stuff

on etsy

if you write love guff

can embellish the pages

with roses flowers

y’know fluff

& him who has paypal

people sending money

if you write love puffs

dripping with honey

while you

you freak

want to write about life

the struggles the pain

heartache anger love unrequited

sitting broke drunk

no money no future

nights spent walking

nowhere alone in the rain

there is no wonder

they don’t send

their hard earned gains