this self loathing

this self loathing

low as a snake belly in the dust

the things lovers say in the night

jilted staring into the abyss

take me back & I will

do anything you ask me to

crawling lower than any animal can

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear never argue

will do anything you ask me to

accept your lovers the drinking

fighting the drugs stealing my cash

put up with the whole weary way

the mess you bring into my life

broken windows holes in the walls

dead cars abandoned in crashes

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear by this night

to do anything you ask me to

just please don’t leave me alone

being my father

too many years much effort was spent

being different to my dad

whatever he originated

I did the opposite

to never be the same as him

until I got the good advice

you will never be you

until you fully accept how much of him

is in you

is you

& that required thought

decided the way through

I spent a weekend being my forebear

doing everything in the way of him

impersonating my pere all the ways I could

channelling the energy the drive

his half chuckle

that I found to be nerves in a crowd

the half dance he did on the spot

waiting for the phone

to connect

hiding behind the door in company

doing the dishes while listening to every word

to be around but not in conversations going

& found much that I am my father

my dad is in me

& by the end of the weekend

I began to see the real differences

between me & my originator

how I shy from crowds people

but also i

can be there expressing my thoughts

in a room of friends

open to feelings

& fully present

as me