so what

nothing like

lying drunk with my girl

back of the car

coming out of a party

flying down main roads

the driver had

Miles blowing So What

we were not rich

had just enough

to make it through

from pay day to pay day

if we watched the pennies

but those nights

into mornings

when we could cut loose

made the whole thing

worthwhile

& Miles knew

let us knew he knew

those nights too

she was educating now

other side of the road

driving yet another beat up car

she did not see me

as far as I could tell

I felt my heart beat a little faster

had to pull over soon as

sit for a minute or two

get my breath back

shit!

her

her I would have died for

one sad time in my days

her I had given up most of

everything anything

my friends

last shred of dignity

her I’d reduced myself for

her I’d reached rock bottom

thus far & no further

I swore never

ever to have another

like her

like me

who could would did

give up so much

for so little back

& drove away thinking on

which poor fool

she was educating now

complaints

there are always complaints

not the easy ones

the farting burping thing

those you learn to ignore

much like every fucking time

she reaches in her bag for keys

tissues drop to the floor

it’s the other ones

that leach into your mind

when you come it drips straight out of me

with my ex that never happened

you don’t come much do you?

with him there was gallons of it

which you pretty much doubt

but understand now is no time

to call liar

I’m giving you all I got baby

I say with a smile

wondering what else she will be

comparing me with later

& this is no time to start a fire

you don’t respond with

well my ex used to do….

you learn to ignore these things

like dead tissues on the floor

don’t make me

he’s complaining about his woman

again

they’ve been together some time

& she treats him well

if at times like an ungrateful child

& I’m thinking

don’t make me lay the whip on you

but he goes on & on

& I can’t divert him with the booze

any conversation

so I lay it down hard

listen here fucker me lad enough behave yourself

if you carry on

moaning about like some sad sack sorry fuckwit

I will snag the next woman

comes into this place by herself

& make you talk to her pretend to be a decent human being

do you understand?

& I know he doesn’t want or like the lash of the whip

but sometimes

a quick crack from the hip is just enough to stop the rot

on faith

through a friend of a friend

an old bmw bike for cheap

& we go visit with a cheap hire van

(there is a trend here)

corner of a green field top of a hill

caravan hidden by raggedy bushes

pile of trash all around

I spy an oscilloscope

looks like it came from 1972

lying on the ground

I say nice place you got here

he says back yeah been here for 20

it’s out of petrol so can’t start it

here are the keys & erm

I spilt last nights curry on the papers

what to do: buy unheard running?

or just walk away?

I give him the money take it on faith

as my friend & him go backaways

& back at the lair I put fresh gas in

take out the plugs clean them

wire brush then burn off the black

charge the battery open the taps

& she starts after a cough or two

raises a steady cloud of smoke

I ease off the choke

& she settles into that bmw

rattly sewing machine hum

we live again

on faith

just to look away

that corner

where we said

our last goodbye

will always be yours

sure

there were times

I took a route long

just to look away

but still I circle back

drive by

can’t help but

thinking of you

seeing

the cement crumble

stains on the pavement

your face looking up

into mine

making sure

this was the last goodbye

making sure for certain

there was nothing left

to find

& we turned

went our separate ways

but that don’t mean

as I go by

I don’t look for you again

ever again

long said goodbye

I’ve tried to stay

be there

pass through the portal

in that old castle

top of the hill

place where ancient romans

came & went

& I can’t find the words

the disquiet unrest

weight on my shoulders

old bones tugging at me

telling me to get out now

just flee

& driving down the hill

the load decreases

no matter the blue sky

sun shining through

I feel the cold

the dread of a summer

long said goodbye

division thing

warned

had told me

one time you come home

I’ll be gone

& all I could think to say was

ok

& that happened

came in to a cold empty room

I could live with almost all of that

even took the welcome mat

the food in freezer drawers

sheets pillows off the bed

left me with a blanket full of holes

no goodbyes no kisses on the mirror

no forwarding no note

but the things she took to hurt

my paperback stacks I loved

orange crates of music

those ones only I ever played

my cardigan favourite shirts

a coat jacket belt for my jeans

about then I realised

she had given me time to prepare

somewhere along the way

should’ve shown I cared

or at least cleared the air

done the whole your stuff my stuff

division thing

made it clear we were starting over

it is him let go corner of the map

one of those

I hear bad things about you

he goes

maybe I say

maintaining the deep stare

all the way into him

down to his toes

maybe because it’s your mouth

saying these things

that your ears can’t refuse to hear?

& he wants to wilt

I can feel his will begin to sap

hey I’d never talk bad about you

he tries to say cover his tracks

yeah yeah I know but that Bobby

fella you were just talking to

man the shit he tells me about you…

I say sliding the knife in no sound

if I was you I’d be careful round him

we good people gotta watch our backs

& the poor fool is twisting now

came in so bright & head fulla’ facts

there’s a cold wind now hurting his ears

lost his way home hearing wolves howl

& looking around for the madman with an axe

not knowing just yet

it is him let go corner of the map