nothing like
lying drunk with my girl
back of the car
coming out of a party
flying down main roads
the driver had
Miles blowing So What
we were not rich
had just enough
to make it through
from pay day to pay day
if we watched the pennies
but those nights
into mornings
when we could cut loose
made the whole thing
worthwhile
& Miles knew
let us knew he knew
those nights too
other side of the road
driving yet another beat up car
she did not see me
as far as I could tell
I felt my heart beat a little faster
had to pull over soon as
sit for a minute or two
get my breath back
shit!
her
her I would have died for
one sad time in my days
her I had given up most of
everything anything
my friends
last shred of dignity
her I’d reduced myself for
her I’d reached rock bottom
thus far & no further
I swore never
ever to have another
like her
like me
who could would did
give up so much
for so little back
& drove away thinking on
which poor fool
she was educating now
there are always complaints
not the easy ones
the farting burping thing
those you learn to ignore
much like every fucking time
she reaches in her bag for keys
tissues drop to the floor
it’s the other ones
that leach into your mind
when you come it drips straight out of me
with my ex that never happened
you don’t come much do you?
with him there was gallons of it
which you pretty much doubt
but understand now is no time
to call liar
I’m giving you all I got baby
I say with a smile
wondering what else she will be
comparing me with later
& this is no time to start a fire
you don’t respond with
well my ex used to do….
you learn to ignore these things
like dead tissues on the floor
no calls
nothing in the mail
I never gave up
the first few years
tho’ I’m thinking
maybe it is time
now
he’s complaining about his woman
again
they’ve been together some time
& she treats him well
if at times like an ungrateful child
& I’m thinking
don’t make me lay the whip on you
but he goes on & on
& I can’t divert him with the booze
any conversation
so I lay it down hard
listen here fucker me lad enough behave yourself
if you carry on
moaning about like some sad sack sorry fuckwit
I will snag the next woman
comes into this place by herself
& make you talk to her pretend to be a decent human being
do you understand?
& I know he doesn’t want or like the lash of the whip
but sometimes
a quick crack from the hip is just enough to stop the rot
through a friend of a friend
an old bmw bike for cheap
& we go visit with a cheap hire van
(there is a trend here)
corner of a green field top of a hill
caravan hidden by raggedy bushes
pile of trash all around
I spy an oscilloscope
looks like it came from 1972
lying on the ground
I say nice place you got here
he says back yeah been here for 20
it’s out of petrol so can’t start it
here are the keys & erm
I spilt last nights curry on the papers
what to do: buy unheard running?
or just walk away?
I give him the money take it on faith
as my friend & him go backaways
& back at the lair I put fresh gas in
take out the plugs clean them
wire brush then burn off the black
charge the battery open the taps
& she starts after a cough or two
raises a steady cloud of smoke
I ease off the choke
& she settles into that bmw
rattly sewing machine hum
we live again
on faith
that corner
where we said
our last goodbye
will always be yours
sure
there were times
I took a route long
just to look away
but still I circle back
drive by
can’t help but
thinking of you
seeing
the cement crumble
stains on the pavement
your face looking up
into mine
making sure
this was the last goodbye
making sure for certain
there was nothing left
to find
& we turned
went our separate ways
but that don’t mean
as I go by
I don’t look for you again
ever again
I’ve tried to stay
be there
pass through the portal
in that old castle
top of the hill
place where ancient romans
came & went
& I can’t find the words
the disquiet unrest
weight on my shoulders
old bones tugging at me
telling me to get out now
just flee
& driving down the hill
the load decreases
no matter the blue sky
sun shining through
I feel the cold
the dread of a summer
long said goodbye
warned
had told me
one time you come home
I’ll be gone
& all I could think to say was
ok
& that happened
came in to a cold empty room
I could live with almost all of that
even took the welcome mat
the food in freezer drawers
sheets pillows off the bed
left me with a blanket full of holes
no goodbyes no kisses on the mirror
no forwarding no note
but the things she took to hurt
my paperback stacks I loved
orange crates of music
those ones only I ever played
my cardigan favourite shirts
a coat jacket belt for my jeans
about then I realised
she had given me time to prepare
somewhere along the way
should’ve shown I cared
or at least cleared the air
done the whole your stuff my stuff
division thing
made it clear we were starting over
one of those
I hear bad things about you
he goes
maybe I say
maintaining the deep stare
all the way into him
down to his toes
maybe because it’s your mouth
saying these things
that your ears can’t refuse to hear?
& he wants to wilt
I can feel his will begin to sap
hey I’d never talk bad about you
he tries to say cover his tracks
yeah yeah I know but that Bobby
fella you were just talking to
man the shit he tells me about you…
I say sliding the knife in no sound
if I was you I’d be careful round him
we good people gotta watch our backs
& the poor fool is twisting now
came in so bright & head fulla’ facts
there’s a cold wind now hurting his ears
lost his way home hearing wolves howl
& looking around for the madman with an axe
not knowing just yet
it is him let go corner of the map
