many things

my eyes have seen

many things

that I wish I could see again

again

& others

needing bleach to clean

my brain

riffing thru’ dark corners

pages of the interwebs

seeing half naked pic’s

thinking

I kinda recognise that face

(thankfully nothing else)

wondering

is that my mother?

posing for one of her lovers?

pleased now

I could not

even if I wanted to

for whatever dark reasons

see her again

at least there in murky places

she lives on

happy with how she is

not a pot

we were bored of doing nothing

hey lets go to the city she said

not me babe I go

I haven’t got a pot to piss in

we can sleep in the car

find a quiet spot she said

see the sights at night

so we went wandering broke

& that changes everything

people having a great time

throwing their money around

but we got by saw the sights

until about three getting tired

walking back to the car

she’d brought her blanket coat

we leaned in snored soft a while

until: I gotta go pee she sighed

waking an hour later she was still gone

went out searching to find

her crying leaning against a wall

I could not find the car!

take me home! take me home!

driving in the early dawn going slow

life is different when you’re broke

not a pot to piss in

took me years

I had gotten myself into a tight corner

following my dick into a relationship

that held some measure of affection

on good days that is

but little or no love on most others

& genuinely I did not know what to do

oh sure I could walk out

become another homeless man

just one more bum on the street

looking for a place to stay

to work out just what had happened

& it took me years to understand

this sex thing is not the love thing

passion is an aspect a feeling

but that alone rarely pays rent

on keeping a relationship going

through the quotidian

the ups & downs of fierce creatures

living together in the zoo called a home

in the blank face of an uncaring world

we create between us

so I stayed a little while longer

we were miserable enough anyway

with no energy to change things so

she knows she knows

she won’t come direct any more

prefers to leave messages

on social media

with relatives friends

little passive aggressive asides

I need no sympathy from him

she knows she knows

there is

will be none on offer

she knows what she has done

how she has been

hurting over the years

creating pain on top of hurts

she knows she knows

now

that actions

have consequences

& all of those

are hers

of moments to come

no prophet

but I caught the echo

of moments to come

when she began

her breathing work

rebirthing

some shamanism

on the weekends

saw her reading

how to attune

to the faerie folk

inner voices

outer body experiences

I suggested we should talk

when she offered

for free

to read my auras

realign my chakras

put me in touch

with the inner me

so to play nice

I asked if we could

do this

in the here & now?

all smoke & mirrors

these people

I thought I knew

wanting to hang with

do things today

their calls coming in

night & every long day

to find them whispering

back stage

behind hands

he’s all smoke & mirrors

got nothing to offer new

& all there is

shake your head move on

thank them for their time

let them find the door

in their own ways

because y’know

whatever they say

snail pace will be

their slow

no more

walking through the streets

greeting the dawn

jaundiced eyes & of feeling

just a one night stand

she was pleasant enough

was sober enough

to have driven us home

from some party I’d wandered

been invited at last minute

to be dragged away at one

by this creature of the night

taken me to her bed

thrown me out first light

with talk we’ll meet up again

& I knew walking no

no we wouldn’t

I’d broken the promise to me

of no more last minute complicateds

but to keep it simple from now on

meet ‘em sober love ‘em sober

see if that builds something more

than drunken fumbles

leading to exit doors

not quite right

one of those days

the angle of the sun

not quite right

too many clouds

too many people

just too much too much

of everything

cars on the road

people in the way

buildings in my eye

& he says

why so glum chum?

what’s the reason?

& up to that point

I had not realised

I had to have

one

can we talk this over please

so much going on

ideas books movies music life

that needed serious thought

before I could commit

but no

the world family lovers others

cops courts teachers schools

demanded answers now

before I got good time to think

the sound of one hand clapping

the other covering my eyes

gimme a minute dammit

give me time to form an opinion

just let me lie down for a little while

can we talk this over please

maybe sitting talking

getting a drink?