I could
try to tell her
like I’m trying to tell you
the hardest thing I ever did
was to try & forget my shame
not the poverty
that runaway mother
living in hiding behind doors
people raised me told me
I was worthless
feeling everyday like the other
but the needing to pretend
everything was ok
I was living fine
while inside I felt
nothing but black dust
smoulder fire
burning through yesterday
today
until there was nothing left
but a shell
these willow wisps
phantasms
thoughts
that spin out
& if
there is no pen handy
paper to place
the cat comes in
she calls from another room
the phone rings to sell me shit
a great song comes on the radio
salesman banging at the door
or just plain self distraction
looking out the window
wondering on ifs buts
these poems
vehicles for ideas
have gone
& they may or not
ever
come up for air
once more
no big punches
came from the man
he was showing out
for his new judy
have you heard the new sound?
didja read the great book by?
yeah in that movie
the one you haven’t seen?
yeah he was great holds the scenes
man the dude was preening
flaring out those feathers
showing flashes of colour on each
but there were no big punches
just this steady pitter patter
slow low blows which could
given enough slow time
create their own winning route
all for showing out for the new judy
but what he did not know
would ever know from any of us
she would in the end let him down
same as she did one very one here
when they too once thought
she was mine
I wore clothes with colour
when I was a kid
& then?
that all stopped
never finding out
who gave the order
of why?
as it became harder
to find duds I loved
clothes I liked was easy
but loved?
menswear became bland
blue for jeans check shirts
black for trousers coats
greys in everything
but red orange purples paisley
were all gone
sitting on the river bank
half a mile from the sea
the tide is out now
& only two thin rivers remain
then we hear the commotion of crows
calling loud & crude
over the low water mud
we begin looking for the ruckus
& there
in the slight gloom of under tree
a faint colour
looking up into the trees
at the one jet black crow
on a low branch scolding
the fox begins slipping away
hiding under a melange
of flotsam jetsam washed up wood
our crow flies in to find foxy
as then a ginger face appears
close enough to snap at feet
so near to our now bird of prey
quickly the crow moves out of reach
continuing to screech
while Reynard
our newly adopted ginger step child
lopes away becoming camouflaged
while the crow scolds on
but our beast
has moved on
in so many ways
she has never been
to these places
that i’m driving her through
delighted to see experience
if for me this feels as tho’
I’m pushing through
glutinous emotional soup
over there a wall I slept behind
a girl I knew & lost lived here
went to that university
top of that hill green & in the sun
& there on that black mountain
there I maundered lost lonely
a few nights of cold & tired
having nowhere to go
nobody to turn to
no money no job nothing
& now she is asking
why are you being so quiet?
& how to answer without
a whiff of whine
some nostalgia of self pity?
I’m not sure if she is aware
she is leaking letting her feelings out
about him
give a snideways look
mentions he needs bigger shirts
bigger jeans
as I give a sideways look
checking out his reactions
seeming unperturbed
accepting the comment
there are others to come
& another time he confides
they are rarely lovers now
which I don’t know how to deal with
sympathy sadness
suggest advice to go get advice?
instead we both look sideways
check out the scenery avoid eye contact
& I want to express some anger
when the fuck did you decide
to settle for so much less?
but no we look sideways
let the silence settle over us
we are men holding our feelings inside
sitting out sipping
& this one says
you do like
the sound of your own voice eh?
spoken unkind no hint of lilt
& what to say?
you are I offer welcome to leave
at any time
if I was talking
I thought I was among friends
happy to revise that
at any time
but she didn’t shift get to her feet
& I knew full well
I’d lost the audience
thinking when she did go
I’d change the locks
stop answering the phone
& see how much she liked
the silence then
his bike
had been stolen out of his garage
so we knew
we were dealing with brazen people
& word came
an exact bike like his was down the road
outside a bar
we sent a car stealth mode go look make sure
& there it was
he sloped over bent down to tie a lace
make sure
& as he got up to signal this was the one
his bright steel ‘duster
went a skittering singing along the ground
came a silence
the doors of the bar opened people came out
shit the fight was on
we got it back
we got the bruises the marks black eyes
but
we got the job done
I was young then
& so little
of anything bothered me
you might say
I was stupid just numb
or possibly free
but I thought I might
just test the theory
if my presence means nothing
that me in her life
might mean less to her than me
one night I walked out
spent time with friends
travelled some roads
ended up in good company
& last I heard
she was doing fine
ended up doing everything
she’d been doing before
how easy I could be replaced
