someone
who looks like you
& I miss a beat
a way of biting
inner cheek
& you
those long legs
how you bent over
to see things in the street
not that I want to meet you
just that I still think
of you
sometimes
what could
might’ve been
if you weren’t you
& I wasn’t me
I miss the thing
we did not have
could not create
much as I love
roses in winter
a wry word tip of the tongue
that can’t be found
turning to look in the forest
for wraiths not there
being dark & all
bruv Dave, the dog & me
in my little black mini
had just failed my driving test
the inspector said:
do more miles son, you’ll be fine
we had a full tank of gas
bag of sandwiches
& forgot the dog food
set out late afternoon
follow the signs for London
said bruv
so I did
through London
cars coming at me
all directions
stalled twice at junctions
to the beeping horns of others
& that don’t help
at all
out the far side
head north said bruv
so I did
filled up with gas
ate some sandwiches
Yana, the dog, was hungry
so we fed her sandwiches too
all we had
it was a sharing thing
heading north
the mini developed a fault
full power one second
none the next
having to indicate
pull over quick as can
then the power would come back
we’d set off again
the dog got farty
began to whine
at the next traffic jam
we pulled to the side
she got out
ripped a huge pile
there
on the side of the road
she got back in
we drove on
take a right
so I did
stopped for a beer
some locals night out
wanting to punch my face in
back in the car
slept
farting dog
sunrise
woke us up
take a right
so I did
out along the coast
with red light
yellows & then gold
the dog was hungry
stopped for gas
gave her the insides of a meat pie
drove on
so few cars about
then getting busier as the day awoke
the dog kept farting
or was it bruv?
I was beginning to have suspicions
the car kept stopping
starting
I drove on
arriving in our home city
four lanes & traffic lights with a queue
dog in distress
let the dog out
pile in the middle of the highway
she jumped back in
just as the lights changed
& we
it
was done
gone
we stopped
out of gas
cigarettes
energy
time for each other
the dog needed feeding
exercise
fresh air
we all did
I passed my test
two days later
What I could be
was never quite plain
though
what I wasn’t
was made abundantly clear
plethora of more
shibboleths
taboos
half truths piled up
than I could see horizon over
don’ts filled my days
feared my dreams
all experimentation was wrong
keeping safe the key
be like us the mantra
& that scared me most
their deep unhappiness
so evident
in everything they did
dare not do
that settling for less
coloured my every moment
this was not love
some slighted care
it was choke
kill the dreams
with whatever was at hand
& the head will follow
Mile after mile
year after year
I’d & then later, we’d
travel to go see ‘my people’
to sit in rooms recently redecorated
in the bland new style
counting the milestones
was it millstones
of our ways
talking of what’s new
happened to old
people who’d moved on
from place
this life
mostly ghosts to me anyways
it being so long
since I’d lived among them
we’d talk of our doings
events
to passive faces
holding still
making sure we didn’t frighten
with tales of our ways
& then mile after mile
year after year
we’d head back home
no sense of accomplishment
only that duty
honour had been done
until next year
seeing how the road changes
new signs
twists & turns
staring straight ahead
wondering just who
will blink first
five nine at the time
the blonde in bare feet
held six three
my friends’d gag
do you need a box
meet her on a hill?
as they were more
than gently intimidated
she had looks
was built like a true amazon
bobby crumb would be in love
had height
& was great fun
could hang wallpaper
without steps
see over the crowd at the bar
to catch bartenders eyes
get the drinks
she was stand out alright
I was never quite sure
what she saw in me
then we had a row
something about stuff
I’d said
not said
& she loomed over me
said: watch it mister
or what
I thought
she picked me up
quite softly
considering
moved me to the side
& went into her kitchen
I made it to the door
let it snick silently behind
& walked away
yeah
I was intimidated
too
that say
objects in the mirror
may be nearer than may appear
much like things in the distance
may be bigger obstacles
than when you first view them
the leaving of the woman
who does not want to be left
has not done with you yet
finding that job
lifestyle
deserving of you
developing a clear conscience
in all that you do
just to sleep at night
allowing yourself to just be
rather than the do
demanded by others around you
delicate balance
old enough to tie floppy shoelaces
young enough to take the wild ride
when opportunity knocks
all while looking forwards
making glances
in the side mirrors
so’s not to lose sight
where you were coming from
I don’t know the words
never did
never will
to connect with you
your heart is closed to me
mind mapped shut
clear will over grey matter
last we spoke you were laughing
& I realized cold as mud
you were pushing the pain away
of what was said
to evade any of the truth
the best I can do
is to turn away
seek a brighter light
which is not to say
I will never think of you
not that you got away
from me
it was always from the better you
