my eyes have seen
many things
that I wish I could see again
again
& others
needing bleach to clean
my brain
riffing thru’ dark corners
pages of the interwebs
seeing half naked pic’s
thinking
I kinda recognise that face
(thankfully nothing else)
wondering
is that my mother?
posing for one of her lovers?
pleased now
I could not
even if I wanted to
for whatever dark reasons
see her again
at least there in murky places
she lives on
happy with how she is
we were bored of doing nothing
hey lets go to the city she said
not me babe I go
I haven’t got a pot to piss in
we can sleep in the car
find a quiet spot she said
see the sights at night
so we went wandering broke
& that changes everything
people having a great time
throwing their money around
but we got by saw the sights
until about three getting tired
walking back to the car
she’d brought her blanket coat
we leaned in snored soft a while
until: I gotta go pee she sighed
waking an hour later she was still gone
went out searching to find
her crying leaning against a wall
I could not find the car!
take me home! take me home!
driving in the early dawn going slow
life is different when you’re broke
not a pot to piss in
I had gotten myself into a tight corner
following my dick into a relationship
that held some measure of affection
on good days that is
but little or no love on most others
& genuinely I did not know what to do
oh sure I could walk out
become another homeless man
just one more bum on the street
looking for a place to stay
to work out just what had happened
& it took me years to understand
this sex thing is not the love thing
passion is an aspect a feeling
but that alone rarely pays rent
on keeping a relationship going
through the quotidian
the ups & downs of fierce creatures
living together in the zoo called a home
in the blank face of an uncaring world
we create between us
so I stayed a little while longer
we were miserable enough anyway
with no energy to change things so
she won’t come direct any more
prefers to leave messages
on social media
with relatives friends
little passive aggressive asides
I need no sympathy from him
she knows she knows
there is
will be none on offer
she knows what she has done
how she has been
hurting over the years
creating pain on top of hurts
she knows she knows
now
that actions
have consequences
& all of those
are hers
no prophet
but I caught the echo
of moments to come
when she began
her breathing work
rebirthing
some shamanism
on the weekends
saw her reading
how to attune
to the faerie folk
inner voices
outer body experiences
I suggested we should talk
when she offered
for free
to read my auras
realign my chakras
put me in touch
with the inner me
so to play nice
I asked if we could
do this
in the here & now?
these people
I thought I knew
wanting to hang with
do things today
their calls coming in
night & every long day
to find them whispering
back stage
behind hands
he’s all smoke & mirrors
got nothing to offer new
& all there is
shake your head move on
thank them for their time
let them find the door
in their own ways
because y’know
whatever they say
snail pace will be
their slow
walking through the streets
greeting the dawn
jaundiced eyes & of feeling
just a one night stand
she was pleasant enough
was sober enough
to have driven us home
from some party I’d wandered
been invited at last minute
to be dragged away at one
by this creature of the night
taken me to her bed
thrown me out first light
with talk we’ll meet up again
& I knew walking no
no we wouldn’t
I’d broken the promise to me
of no more last minute complicateds
but to keep it simple from now on
meet ‘em sober love ‘em sober
see if that builds something more
than drunken fumbles
leading to exit doors
one of those days
the angle of the sun
not quite right
too many clouds
too many people
just too much too much
of everything
cars on the road
people in the way
buildings in my eye
& he says
why so glum chum?
what’s the reason?
& up to that point
I had not realised
I had to have
one
so much going on
ideas books movies music life
that needed serious thought
before I could commit
but no
the world family lovers others
cops courts teachers schools
demanded answers now
before I got good time to think
the sound of one hand clapping
the other covering my eyes
gimme a minute dammit
give me time to form an opinion
just let me lie down for a little while
can we talk this over please
maybe sitting talking
getting a drink?
going back
though I’m told
you never can
the light being different
all traces of us together gone
left feeling kind of blue
uncertain uneased
wondering
if you feel this too
& who cares
the wheel has turned
leaving no rut no furrow
all grown over
like scars
always do
