bullies

the knack with abusers is

they have a keen

ear

eye

sense for victims

spotting easy

those who have been

victims before

are a little insecure

& home in

on easy prey

& the only way out

is to ask the crowd

‘cos there always is one

what kind of person is this

takes delight

in putting unnecessary pain

on others?

putting shame on the bully

& the crowd

because everybody knows

what’s going on

some games

I will never get

walking back to my car

after putting the go juice in

& this blonde lady says

can you help me please?

put some petrol in the car

say ten?

I put the pump in

pump in ten

ok she says maybe 15?

fifteen in

& she says 20?

I pour up to the twenty sign

ok ok shall we go 25?

& I hand her the pump

I don’t understand

the game here lady

it’s all in your hands now

& walk away quick

& now you

are wondering too

what was happening here

comforts

I need comforts now

never needed before

half hanging onto belief systems

thin pillows ‘til light

letting others be

when before their rage

would pain me

the dis comforts slights

of the ill informed

letting them slide by

as I mutter cba

can’t be arsed

with the idiocy that is

the general population

ill informed

uninformed by anything

but the what’s on tv

news reels sliding beneath

happy pills

he told me

a little while before he died

they told him he was depressed

put him on the happy pills

& I knew I could not try

begin to explain

the shit he’d gone through

& keeping everything inside

is the cause the reason

alpha to omega due

the happy pills would do nothing

help in any easing of pain

the only way out to talk

& I knew saying let it rain

let everything go was no good

to this silent warrior

always stood tall mute no matter

the night freezing dark ice snow hail

everything thrown his way

would not help him find the sun

this or any other day

not six

not six anymore

can’t tell aunt C to shut up

stop talking while she eats

not eight anymore

punching my men friends

to show that I care

has come to an end

not fourteen anymore

getting turned on

feeling the rush

from a glimpse of thigh

has gone

not twenty anymore

can’t do the sex thing

& then leave

those bad manners

got left at the earlier door

I’m not young anymore

the excuses the reasons

alibis

got changed along the way

with the expectation

of respect for others

even if that does not come back

we’re not children anymore

the answer

y’ain’t from round here

are y’boy?

& the answer

is always no

the longer response

I’m not from anywhere

where I came from

I don’t belong

& the place I’m going to

I have a strong feeling

will be much the same

where here is

I don’t rightly know

but give me a little time

the moment will surely come

I’ll cut & run

my temperament

being always

set to blow

another way

I’d drive them out of the city

sensation seeking students

& sometimes aspiring ne’er do wells

who the city wanted put straight

driving out to nature

where I’d walk them down a trail

to a full green valley bowl

scatter them off to disperse

find a spot by themselves

just sit for a while

four hours maybe five

until they heard the come here whistle

& some would come back too soon

unable to be alone

to be set back off again go complete

& at the end of the exercise

some would complain

of the tedium boredom isolation

the long dragging day

others would say felt like minutes

& the long drive home

was full of silence as the experience

of no phones no tv no people

just sitting by themselves

settled into their bones

now they knew

there was another way

within the orbit

I could hear the train

rattling in the distance

the rain landing on trees

the roof & the road

cars hissing by hitting puddles

splashing back again

& nothing

plenty of that

more than enough to go round

lasting for days weeks months

enough to push me

into wanting to leave

where those left behind

were content to be born

live & die within the orbit

of sound of that distant train

to see me as the black sheep

jumping the hedge

escaping the fold

at a loss to understand

why something more

was needed than that big pot

of nothing

roaring deep

those nights

lights off

sitting in silence

holding my head

& wondering if the abyss

would cease staring back

as the world spun ever tighter

it seemed then

that everything I had ever

got close up to

seemed built

on a long ladder of lies

dissolving under close gaze

tighter inspection

parents school college

all of the institutions

work

that ever present

need to earn money

where the people

who did the actual work

earned less than those

who could not do the job

sitting in air con offices

scheming on each other

to suck up to the boss

in a bigger office

I wanted needed out of the trap

& all I heard in the silence

was the abyss roaring deep