flaneur

I was eleven

or thereabouts

& I found the word

Flaneur

& that was about it

what do you want to do in life son?

any ideas on a career?

what are your interests?

& I learned pretty quick

not to give out the truth

but looking around

I could see

some people got to do this

made it a life choice

full time career

full on interest

took me a while too

but I reckon

I’m starting to get the hang

come see the clairvoyant

she called

& much against my will

I went

she walked in first

came out all smiles & grins

as I slunk my way in

the woman shuffled the cards

tried to put me at my ease

talked of my life

love & things other

then talked me through the dream

I’d had some time before

lives spent in pain & more

sais she knew this with her

waiting outside

knew of our past life connection

was to end

& try as I might

we could never be friends

should not talk of this again

held out her palm to be crossed

I shook it

said goodnight

wandered back into the night

heading towards another end

like the centuries gone before

sandtrap world

I did not hate them

that came much later

& there are always degrees of that

nor despise

more that they stood in my way

between me & the world

all there was out there to play

full of we can’t afford

maybe another day

those what if’s

that infuriate

rather than build skills to deal

with failure

the get up & try agains

& I understand their desire

to keep me small

being their way of being safe

hiding from the hurts of this Earth

not knowing my time was coming

theirs was the sand trap world

where I was more than ready to play

fecklessness at its least best

he knows what he has to do

as does she

& what we have here

is a race to be least feckless

each of ‘em

has put off

next week’d

later, later, later’d

to act, to do

would be to acknowledge

their true position

& who would want that?

an end

some strong closure

on years of fecklessness

would only serve

to make all of that plain

& the first one to jump

make it all legal

will also carry all the blame

like that

would amount count for much

be anything but a hill of beans

coffee

people know man

y’gotta put yourself out

as you are

not some filtered version

hiding the shit y’got inside

cos though they don’t see it

they feel it

as a cold nasty lurking vibe

behind that big smile you got…

& with that

he flashed his own diamond grill

& walked away

& I thought

I’m getting coffee somewhere else

in the future

nobody needs this bullshit

early in the morning

bad words get said

accusations thrown

as you sit

wait

for the real reasons

to emerge

the push for her

to get her own way

& to be frank

(if he doesn’t mind)

if she could just ask

straight out

I reckon I’d be ok about it

but no

there is a ritual at play here

a series of mini negotiations

hints of position

to make the next request

bearable

not to me

but for her

as the door becomes more

desirable

visions on the verges

riding through town on a hot day

riding past the young women

spot them trying not to look

as they hear the Harley sound

smelling their perfume

clouding the air

can’t stop

even if I wanted to

places to be

people to see

roads pulling me on

there are always diversions

opportunities seen

on the verges of vision

left by the wayside

life has to be lived like this

no regrets

turns back

better bait

late one evening

thinking over mistakes made

as young men tend to over do

tried compiling a list

for the perfect woman

I’d love to fall in love with

its still there

in a box in the attic

gathering dust as

unspent desires do

hair, clothes, attitude

included in this incomplete catalogue

got halfway down the page

maybe two thirds

of this wishing list

& the thought struck deep

maybe I need try

being better bait

first

swallow

the time comes

for an end to any tears

to no longer swallow the pain

push the hurt down

it is what it is

& this acceptance

if we can call it that

allows us to ignore

that steady cold rain

& if there is only

a small patch of sky blue

you know

from this moment

this can only grow

not to say the sads

those disappointments

in those who say

they know better

ever go away

but now you’ve accepted

they too will know no other days