wants to meet

but its not a conversation

some back & forth of ideas

concepts

process of discovery

meeting of minds

this is a talking to

a telling

what’s what

this is the real truth

suck it up

& I’m not sure

if she knows

what a bitch

she’s being

maybe doesn’t care

got her truth to tell

got things to share

my role only

to be the designated listener

person to be told truth to

the exits are blocked

by pulls on heart strings

kinship of experience shared

when I try to query

probe thoughts

back to this frozen wall

I get ‘enough’

just listen

which is cue sure enough

for anybody

I get to my feet

call for the tab

I pay half plus tip

say:

the lady

is a strong minded

wilful woman

who knows her own mind

who don’t need no man

to pay her way

‘bye.

as it is

Working with

people people

therapist types

nurses on psych wards

counselling careerers

noticing tendencies

not to feel up

be down

excited

happy

or just bored

but depressed

manic

borderline today

taking the dis ease

disorders of others

making them

their own drama

as if

they didn’t take

themselves

too seriously

enough

as it is

Being fond of strong water

being fifteen not yet sixteen

but close

set up on a frigate in the North sea

the old hands decided it was not much

of a strong swell

but seeing those rollers

with no sight of land

began to pain my guts

I was pale & nervous

when a deckhand half the size

of a small mountain

caught hold of me

sit son & dispatch these

there on the grey bolted down table

a can of coke

a mars bar

just the look at them

made me want to retch

now now, he said

commanding in a rumbling deep voice

eat

drink

& he pushed them on to me

I ate

I drank

as the mess of sailors watched

& then

I burped

& was cured

the ague of seasick was gone

they roared

they laughed

slapped me on my back

ok boy

it’s time to set to

& gave me a mop to clean the deck

it was a day or four

before we saw land

& went ashore

& my saviour held out his giant meaty hand

I think you owe me son he said

& pulled me into a dock gate pub

to start my next lesson

on how to deal

begin to love

strong waters

Spider

there is a quiet way

of doing things that need doing well

& the noisy way

a look at me way

see

how hard I work

my achievements

& how proficient I am at them

dramatists such as these

tend to get promoted

while the quiet spiders ramble on

just doing the job at hand

living lives in simple subtleties

spiders in their lair

spinning webs

that catch the raspy gadflies

when they begin to believe

their own hyperbole

& forget to do the minor things

oh so tedious details

that also need doing well

in spending their time

talking on great they will be

spiders do not hate

they know of no other way

but for the gadflies

this creates just another

hateful

hey look at me

opportunity for noise

First time

I walked in the world

not in my head

everything was much the same

except me

I had no anxiety crossing the road

catching the train

just sitting

be

& it was my secret

for a while anyway

there were some who could see

I had finally arrived

& I had to keep this to myself

for if you tell the world

people will want to push you back

deep in the box

on hold

slowly my life changed for the better

some fell by the wayside

others were already with

the world is always much the same

it is us

who have to let go

& see what is there

nobody knows

Confusion, confession or?

nobody knows she says

that I pay a professional dominatrix

100 twice a month

to come & ‘do’ me

& all my stress flows away…

& she’s telling me

because who else would listen

& not judge

& that is her issue

that she really enjoys

this part of her life

can’t reconcile the go getter

with her ‘other’ life needs

but doesn’t want to be judged for it

I ask why the world needs to know

all of her personal interests

& there is silence for a while

punctuated by well, y’know’s

& I can see the regret

flashing on her face

of starting this conversation

was it confession

or?

Magic amulet

yours for ten he says

that must be some kinda spell,  I go

yeah, well, its cheap

cos I need the money quick

has this not brought you the cash then?

not sure if I’m interested in magic

unless

unless it brings things like money

this doesn’t work that way

it brings good times

the ladies

luck on the horses

that kind of thing…

well, howsabout

you lend it me for a day, two

& if things work out good

I’ll give you the pennies…?

no, no man it’s not like that

its like the gypsy fortune teller thing

money has to change hands

I think I’ll pass I say

& he moves on to the next table

same spiel, same plea

he got the money

eventually

ran off into the night

leaving the luck behind

outside

his dealers’ minder caught up

took his money, watch

left him in a tangled heap

y’gotta be careful with that magic

eh?

First time

I walked in the world

not in my head

everything was much the same

except me

I had no anxiety crossing the road

catching the train

just sitting

be

& it was my secret

for a while anyway

there were some who could see

I had finally arrived

& I had to keep this to myself

for if you tell the world

people will want to push you back

deep in the box

on hold

slowly my life changed for the better

some fell by the wayside

others were already with

the world is always much the same

it is us

who have to let go

& see what is there

Everywhere anywhere

I was never sure

if what we felt was attraction

lust

or we were just

hanging on to each other

against the adult world

never having enough money

to get properly drunk

buy the good drugs

we’d sneak away

to the woods

back alleys

& do what we could

to ward away the cold

of the world

that would stop us

from doing

all of what we did

& if I can’t remember your names

I hope if you’ve forgot mine

you have some fond memory

of back seats in cars

dark places away from thin eyes

doing what we wanted

with each other

anywhere

everywhere

all of those times

She will claim me now

I got good shoes

just there

on my feet

got clothes I bought new

not from charity

I quit the drinking

having a good old time

sure I still do it

but ended the decline

there’s a cheque

end of each month

regular as the clock

I work to

when I was hungry

most of every day

walking in thin shoes

looking for something

you’d never see

I didn’t hear her knock

on that poor rent door

& now I’ve got wheels

I could drive over there

It’ll be a while

before I make that trip

she can claim me now

lets see

if she can

make it stick