What are you thinking?

She asks
and I don’t yet know
that it’s a trap
to say
that I wasn’t thinking
of her
‘Nothing’
as a response
is not enough too
she wants
more, more, more
later
I’d be thinking of how
to avoid taking her out
the restaurants aren’t good
we’ve seen everybody three times already
she says
no movies to see
theatre to go
and I’m sick
that that she’ll eat then throw up
quietly
discreetly
but the job will be done
all on my dime
my pay
its somehow enough
for her
that she’s here
with me
wanting to know
if my mind is freefalling away
it will be six months
before she finally leaves
and my sadness
tempered by her madness
knows it will not be the last
of her this day
and she will turn up again
raving in drink
needing to know
just what it is
that I think
about her
in truth
its fear
fear that I want to love
this madly disarranged
part in my life
fear
that I am worth no more
than sluts like these
held tight to body image
drugs
booze
and money
for my dark love

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