Vulnerabilities

&
that’s a difficult thing
all of these were before therapy before working You out
working out my dad
my family.
Before life moved on from hurts to unresolved issues.
Before I got a grip on myself.
None of these actually cared about me
much like you didn’t/don’t
there was something they wanted from me
whether it was the sex or some kind of loving
i didn’t know & still don’t
but,
the big but
at least we had connection
there is none to you.
My relationships before
were based around needs or wants
I suspect that is what you would say to me now:
what do you want?
I had some idea that they
coming from families
with
both parents
love
care
some answers
&
that was my attraction to them:
the hope of rounding me out.
& that sounds crass doesn’t it?
But it’s true
I was looking for answers from those who’d had what I hadn’t.
The problem was
I had poor selection skills:
the people with the bits I needed
were not available to me
or avoided me
they saw the need in my face.
&
then those I did find rather than acknowledge they could not help
chose to blame,
shame further.
I thought I was sharing my pain
&
all they seemed to hear was blah blah blah
the whining
the need
a bit like now eh?

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